Pensieve

"I use the Pensive. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form." -Albus Dumbledore 

Lately I've been feeling like I need a pensieve. There are just so many thoughts floating around in my brain. So many ideas and memories and fears and insecurities that I just can't tell which is which anymore. Am I freaking out about everything at once or is one thing triggering another? And why?


To try and sort these things out, I've been talking to a lot of people lately. And they've been great. I've gotten some good at advice, leaned on some very kind shoulders and experienced more than ever the blessing of friendship. 


But it hasn't been enough. Talking isn't enough. Sometimes you just need to shut up and listen to yourself instead of begging for one more person's attention. Because in the end no one else can solve your problems. And it's just between you and God to work them out. So writing is my pensieve. You know that kind of cheesy quote about how writing is like opening up a vein and just letting your heart pour out? Well, that's actually how I feel when I write. I can't explain it. Even if no one ever reads the words, just trapping my emotions into the cage of language is liberating. 


I guess its because when you give your demons a name they somehow become less threatening. 


Anyway, growing up, I've always wanted to be a writer and I've written stories for a long time. This summer, in Cambridge I worked a lot on a novel that has been in progress since high school. I've gotten good feedback on it and, when I look at it objectively, it's pretty decent. But I've just lost all passion for it. So it doesn't make sense to release these problems there.


Cause, see the thing that I've always loved about writing is the way you can release emotions into fiction. Many of the characters I've worked on have been emotionally auto-biographical. If something happens to me, you can be pretty sure that a character will get that written into their script within a month. It's like victim-less voodoo. Lately, I've just needed to say words. Any words. And not in the context of a story. Just in the context of my life and releasing that vein of emotion. I want to transform my crazy thoughts into a form where I can inspect them: turn them over, examine them inside out, analyze what's going on in my brain. I want a pensieve. 


So I wrote a couple poems lately. They aren't good. I've always sucked at writing poetry. Or even appreciating it for that matter. But a friend of mine shared some of her really amazing poems on her blog which gave me the idea to try it out. And it really was helpful to write them. I thought I would just include one because it embodies the way I've been feeling lately.

A word I whisper to myself

So softly

That my soul can barely hear it.

Or maybe it’s the other way

Bubbling up from beneath

to break free from my subconscious

The landscape of the human spirit

Is a treacherous place

But occasionally beautiful

Take a deep breath

Maybe you’re just hungry

Perhaps if you lie on your back

And raise your feet into the air

You will feel alive

Just don’t look too long—

A girl could get lost

These thoughts swimming around my brain are just a little too big for my 21 year old head. Maybe one day I will be wiser. Maybe one day it'll all make sense. I hope I can look back at this time and realize all the growth I've been through. But for now, its just a confusion of words, a very unorganized pensieve...