Fate and Free Will: My Latest Existential Journey

HELLO WORLD!

I'm alive! And home in St. Louis! And I've done nothing at since getting here! After a couple days of sleeping in and watching hours of 'Once Upon a Time' I decided maybe I should do something marginally productive. So here I go. I've been meaning to write in here for awhile. But the most important things I had to write about were still secrets until a few weeks ago.

That aren't now. I'm not totally sure why they ever were, but sometimes I just have to baby my sub-conscious and keep things to myself for awhile, under my own control until I feel ready to let them go. If you are reading this blog, chances are that you already know everything I'm about to say. And I'm so sorry that this is so long. But I'm gonna say it anyway because I need to get it out in words. My two biggest things lately?

I'M GOING ON A MISSION! TO BOSTON!

also...

I'M GOING TO UGANDA! AGAIN!

I feel ridiculous. My life has been so incredibly, amazingly, unmeritedly blessed lately. But I'm going to be really annoying and say that...sometimes to many blessings can be a curse? Alright, no no. Not a curse exactly. But a trial. And why not? I've had trials turn out to be blessings, so why not blessings that amass into a bit of a trial? My problems are SO GOOD. And I don't want anyone to think for a second that I don't recognize that. But I've had some problems lately, nonetheless.

Let me back up for a second and just give this whole mission thingy the attention it deserves.

I never EVER thought that I would go on a mission. It just wasn't my thing. I thought sister missionaries were weird and awkward and just ugly girls who hadn't made the age 21 deadline of getting married in the Mormon world. And then my beloved sister Laura ('Sister Hurst' actually!) went on a mission and I became a bit more exposed to the whole thing. And I don't think my sister is ugly or dumb or anything like that--quite the opposite, so don't go there! She's weird yes, but all we Hursts are. I was intrigued that this girl I loved and respected was doing the whole mission thing, so I was forced to think about it a bit more, but I still didn't think it was for me. Laura was older and more gospel-oriented than I was.

Then I went to college. After freshman year, pretty much all the boys left on missions. Then, as they turned 21, girls from my freshman ward started trickling off as well. That was all well and good, but it still wasn't for me.

Then my roommate Kasey got her mission call to Hong Kong. And oh my gosh, I got so excited for her.  Basically I shocked myself with how happy I was for her and how giddy I was. And I started harboring a secret hunch that, despite my personal leanings, fate was going to send me on a mission. And I would go to Asia.

That summer I went to Cambridge. I met some really awesome girls. One of them, Jacqueline, was a returned missionary who had served in Japan. Another one was Lauren who ended up submitting her papers the year after we got home and is now in Malaysia on her mission. Why is this relevant? Well, these girls were really influential role models for me. They are both geniuses. They are both smart, free-thinking, beautiful girls with plenty of opportunities ahead of them, but chose to spend 18 months on a mission. They totally shattered  what was left of the rude stereotype of sister missionaries that I had in my head.

When I got back from Cambridge was when I first started seriously considering the mission thing. That's over a year ago. I talked to my bishop, started my papers and everything. And then I sort of just let it slide. I got distracted with other things and the timing wasn't right. I'm glad I didn't go a year ago. I've had so many important necessary experiences since then that I wouldn't trade for anything--most importantly, Africa.

Doing research for two months in Uganda really expanded my worldview and my love for strangers. I did work for hours on end that was both monotonous and emotionally draining. Seems like good preparation for a mission to me. Being in Uganda and seeing how happy many of the people were despite their poverty put some things in perspective for me. It made me see more clearly that material well being is never ever the end goal in life. Happiness is the ultimate goal of life. And money is not required for that.

I believe that the purest most sincere form of happiness comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. Happiness comes from living that gospel. From being kind to others, from serving others, from building a strong family, from being loyal to your friends and to your family, from putting others before yourself and from the gratitude that comes from knowing that all things are a gift from a loving God. I want to dedicate my life to development. But, forgive me for the chessyness, I sort of determined that the development of the human soul was more important that the development of a human's material well-being. I want to do both. They are both incredibly important, especially at the margins.

But a mission is something I can only do as a young person. This is the only time that I can dedicate 100% of my time to the Lord. I don't have a family yet or a career. It's incredibly intimidating but also a very intriguing concept to spend 18 months of my life attempting to put others first. I want to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with people because I earnestly believe that it is the surest path to happiness. And I want to help people, and I want people to be happy. Not 'Christmas morning' happy, but 'inner joy' happy. Obviously, I can't do that on my own. But I want to put myself in a position that I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands, as they say. I plan to dedicate my professional life to development and to children's rights. After internalizing what I realized in Uganda-- that joy overcomes poverty-- it seemed like it was finally the time to put my mission papers in. I finally felt like maybe I was mature enough for such a big adventure.

Ok. Let's speed up a bit. I got back to the US from Uganda. I talked to my bishop. I convinced him that I was for serious this time. I didn't tell anyone but my family and my roommate, Lottie. I started my papers. I was working in them late into the night the morning of General Conference when they announced that 19 year old girls were suddenly allowed to go on missions.

I was rather put out. Knowing, as I do that everything is about me, I had assumed that something momentous would happen in regards to missions at this conference. I just thought that they would be, I don't know, opening China or something. But no. All it meant was that I was suddenly super old in the mission world as a girl about to turn 22. I felt a little irrelevant. And also, it became really difficult to get meetings with people since every girl and her younger sister was suddenly flooding the mission office with applications. I had planned on going on my mission in January. With the sudden flood of girls, leaders started telling me that I probably wouldn't get called until March or April.

March or April?! That was so far away. I wanted to go immediately before I lost the nerve! Nevertheless I decided I still wanted to submit my papers now rather than wait for another semester and I started trying to think of productive ways to spend the few months that would probably exist when I was not in school just waiting for my mission.

For anyone who doesn't know mission calls are pretty much out of your control. I put my papers in. I told them I was available to serve starting January 1st. After that, they can call me whenever and wherever they want. So, even though my availability date was for January I started making contingency plans. No one I knew was getting calls till later so it seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I signed up for classes for next semester. I applied for a grant that only enrolled students can get. Most importantly, I applied for a job in Uganda.

Jigga what now? I know. This job opportunity just fell from the sky. I was finishing up teaching my Friday lab one week and checked my email on a whim. There was a notice from the International Development Minor that there was a company looking for someone to evaluate an NGO in northern Uganda in February and March.

Holy Cow. It was like the heavens had opened up, light had descended on me and the universe was saying, here you go Jenny. This perfect opportunity with perfect timing for you. Most likely the time I would need to kill before my mission. I emailed the company as soon as possible and the more we talked, the more I thought, 'this is perfect.' I interviewed with them and felt that it went well and then didn't hear back for over a week.

I was on pins and needles. Here were these four huge futures laid out before me, all of them mutually exclusive.
1. Go on a mission in January.
2. Go on a mission later and go to Uganda instead in the winter.
3. Not get the Uganda job OR an early mission call and go to winter semester at BYU.
4. Not get the Uganda job, get a mission call for some point in the middle of the semester and chill in St. Louis until it was time to leave.

So timing was stressing me out. Also, location was stressing me out. I was terrified to go somewhere I would be disappointed with. I might be going to Paris or Tokyo. I might be going to Topeka Kansas. There was just no saying.

Well, I finally heard back from the Uganda job and... I GOT IT! It was SO exciting. I hadn't realized just how much I wanted it until I was screaming and dancing and running around and telling everyone I knew and just feeling so joyful about it. I thought. Ok. This is what God wants me to do. My mission call will come for April and it will just be a sign that I'm doing what God wants me to do. I can help people in Gulu and on my mission. My two worlds, the two things I love, were coming together.

After Thanksgiving, my call finally came. I could go into a lot of detail about that, but this post is already way too long. So basically, I opened my call and was so happy and excited and felt so blessed. And then I re-read it and saw that my call was for January 16.

Crap. I had already told the Uganda company that I could work for them. At first, it didn't seem like a big deal. I would just defer my mission until I got back and I could do both. I was a little annoyed that God hadn't manifested his will for me by making my call for later, but I didn't think it was a huge deal.

Turns out other people did. People who had no idea that I was even considering going on a mission were suddenly throwing their 2 cents in as I tried to just tell them how excited I was that I had gotten my mission call for Boston. They'd say things like 'well the Lord called you for this time, so you need to go now." Or they'd imply that the Uganda opportunity was somehow a temptation to be shunned so that I could do the Lord's work. They said, 'well, maybe there is someone important that you need to meet on your mission in January.' Not everyone was like that. But, enough were.

I was torn apart. It was a total guilt trip. And I'm a girl with a diagnosed anxiety disorder!

I'm not required to go on a mission. It's entirely my choice. But there is this superstition around mission calls that each and every aspect of it is dictated by God. What if I was ignoring God's will by defering my mission? It was just so confusing. Both a mission and the Uganda experience are great things. Both seemed like real, sincere, earnest, helpful ways to serve God's children. Evaluating an NGO in Uganda would help an organization to better serve the people that I love there in Gulu who were affected by the civil war. It would also help me along my life path, it could be a stepping stone for me towards my end goal of working for something like UNICEF and helping children as my career. I wasn't deciding between going or not going on a mission. I was deciding whether to go on a mission in January or in April. And what if there was something that I could give to the experience in Uganda that maybe someone else wouldn't be able to do? Was it selfish to think that way and accept the job? Or did I really have any special abilities or skills that would make my services in Uganda more valuable than the other applicants who had not been accepted?

I was so confused. Why couldn't God just reveal his will for me? If I was certain that it was important to Him that I go on my mission in January, I would have done it. But I did not get that answer. I didn't really get any answer. And I didn't have much time to be wishy washy. My call date was within a month and a half. My Uganda job needed a concrete answer. After days of prayer, anxiety, study, pondering, advise seeking and many many tears, I still didn't really know what to do. Had my fate been handed to me with that specific date on my mission call? Or did God still honor my free will to decide between two great things?

In the end, I decided that God didn't really care.

Yeah, haters! I really don't think he cares! In the best way possible. God wanted me to make my own decision. Agency is one of His most important gifts to each of us and, in this particular case, I'm not unique or  important enough that God can't accomplish his purposes in either Uganda or Boston with someone else. It's my business to do with my life what I will and to perfect myself in what way I think is best. And no, I didn't have this earth-shattering answer to prayer that indicated this sentiment. Because I didn't feel at all confident in my ability to receive personal revelation, I started praying for the option of last resort- "Heavenly Father, please stop me if I'm making a mistake." And then I decided to do what reason told me to do. And that was: have your cake and eat it too. Defer the mission, go to Uganda and then serve in Boston. Do both!

Willing to change my mind if lightning struck me down, I went through with the process of deferring my mission call. Really, I didn't have a big choice moment. I asked my bishop if it was possible to defer. My bishop talked to my stake president who was willing. He talked to the mission headquarters in salt lake. They were reticent, and my wonderful stake president fought for me. I didn't know what was going on. I just got a call saying, "your new mission call date is April 10, 2013."

And that was it. My existential crisis was, apparently over. I was doing both.

Which after a deep breath and moment of thought, brought on a whole slew of other worries now that each of them were real. Like, I'm not going to see my family for almost two years! Like, I'm going to get sick again in Uganda! And, I'm going to be so old! And, when will I finish school? And, all my best friends will be gone when I get back!

And I'm still dealing with those realities. But I've been taught a powerful lesson, and that is this: even though we choose our fate, that doesn't make fate void. More like a follow-through on our commitments. To quote the wise Regina Spekter, "you take the things you like, and try to love the things you took."

That's what I'm trying to do right now. I've taken two great things that I like. They will both reveal my flaws, they both force me to confront my insecurities, but they are mine because I have chosen them. And now, I am learning to love and embrace those decisions.

I know what you are thinking, "Jenny, you are so spoiled, how can you complain about these awesome things and say that they are trials, or that you have to force yourself to love them?!" And all I can respond is that it is what it is. And that is: I am afraid. These two things are going to require hard work, sacrifice and removal from the people that I love.

But I'm doing them.