What is 'lonely'?

I've been pondering a fair amount lately about the difference between being alone and being lonely. Well tangentially I've been pondering that. Mostly I've just been noticing that I am a being of constant contradictions. I routinely say no to people's invitations to hang out, and then feel like I am alone in the world. I took one of those Myers Briggs personality tests and I feel like I learned SO much from it. I'm an INFJ which is apparently the rarest of the 16 personality types. Only like 1% of Americans are that personality type (which stands for introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging). According to the little text box that always pops up with the simplest answer on the google search results page, "INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents."


That's nice.

Here is a screen shot of my results

Well, seeing as it is 7 pm and I have not spoken out loud to another human all day, (I know-it's alarming, but it's General Conference Sunday and I was staying alone at Lottie's house) I thought this was an appropriate time to share some of the 'candid' self-portraits I've been taking on photo booth lately in an attempt to capture my true emotions.

Warning: those first two are perhaps a little too real.

Cougar Eat. Exhausted from homework and life

Outside the Wilk eating lunch.
Even more exhausted from homework and life

Easter Sunday! I actually made an effort to look good

After a book launch I got a free cookie!
Which I really shouldn't have eaten because I'm trying to loose weight....and I wasn't even that hungry!
I live in regret.

I was very proud of myself yesterday because I made my own ham/cheese/egg bagel between sessions of conference.
That's about the closest to cooking that I get.

It all went downhill really quickly. 4 hours of conference = irresponsible eating.
I ate that entire bunny in one sitting.
And then Kristy only pointed out that I had chocolate on my lips as we were driving AWAY from getting our hair cuts.

Trying to get homework done.
This may have been taken at like 1:30 am

This one is literally scary.
Again with the chocolate bunnies during conference.
Did I mention that I had just woken up form a deep sleep before the afternoon session and was trying to keep myself awake?

I emerged from Lottie's house at like 6 pm today and discovered that the world is beautiful.
So I sat outside for like 15 minutes.
And then I got chilly and came inside. 

So yeah. Again, with what I was saying about the personality type thing: I did what anyone does after a profound insight in their lives- I got on pintrest to see what other people said about INFJ's. Here are my favorite little memes that I related to. Also, P.S. it makes so much more sense why I'm single now. 

Yes!
I want a soul mate that doesn't need me to hang out with them all the time-
why is that so hard?

Yeah, I love being alone but then get depressed as soon as I feel lonely

Dates, ward members, friends of friends...
This is why I only have 3 people that I routinely hang out with

It's also very confusing for those around me

Yep

Is this why I'm like the only one of my friends still single?
Honestly, I find 'flirting' to be degrading-
I'm not gonna laugh at something that's not funny or pretend to be interested in something I'm not
Jenny flirting = depp conversation.
Unfortunately other people don't know that.

Yep.

When it comes down to it, this is my Catch-22

So yeah, now it's almost 9 and I've gone for a walk and talked to my parents on the phone. I guess to wrap things up I would say that I love being alone and I hate being lonely. I think one is a choice and one is a feeling of claustrophobia. 

Here's to the few friends in my life who make me actually want to leave solitude and who rescue me when I'm anxious and lonely... And here's to finding that special someone to share my life with who will leave me alone most of the time!

And in the meantime, this is what the fridge in my apartment looks like.